rejuvenation phase?

16Feb09

I’ve been encouraged to blog again because of the funny stories I have.  My husband said it recently, and then my grandmother, in response to a story my mom shared with her, said that I should journal these things.  So I’m gonna give it another whirl.

It’s February.  I’ve been teaching all by myself for about 6 months now, and it does seem to get easier every week.  Christmas break was a welcomed time off, but I guess my threshold is about a month and a half because I’m dying for Spring Break already.

Today is President’s day which meant a day off in my county — woohoo! — and Friday I’m taking a personal day for a quick trip with my husband who is playing music at a conference at the beach.  I picture myself reading a novel by the pool and drinking diet cokes.  Yesssss.

And for the sake of sharing the funny stories I’m writing again to share:

I recently chopped off about 6 inches of my hair and the day after was walking back from the office and was stopped by 3 of my kindergarten girls.  ”Ms. P!!” one of them began, “You look like Claire from Alvin and the Chipmunks!”  It cracked me up.

Our kindergarten team does lots of fun stuff, too, like having a wedding for Q and U to get married, complete with cake, flower girls, and photographers!  I so wish I could have been there to see it.  But as my mom astutely pointed out, Q seems a lot more committed to the relationship than U…  Hmmm…


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disillusionment phase

13Nov08

Apparently the experience of the first-year teacher is so universal and distinct that the New Teacher Center in Santa Cruz, CA divided up the year into specific phases:

  • Anticipation - July, August
  • Survival - September
  • Disillusionment - October, November, December
  • Rejuvenation - January, February, March
  • Reflection - April, May, June

Yup… pretty much, so far.  Can’t wait for that “rejuvenation” phase to kick in… or the “reflection” phase, for that matter… that would mean it was time for Summer break.  :-)


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We shall overcome; the Father gave the Son to break the curse we are under.

31Oct08

I mean, whoa, two posts in one night –

But I had to say that Sandra McCracken’s song “The Tie that Binds” might be the most beautiful song I’ve heard in a really long time.  It’s off her new album Red Balloon, go get it, now.

Beautiful guitar work, beautiful lyrics, beautiful melody.

And tired eyes look through the veil,/the colors are so pale./We raise high the sail/and call the winds to carry us home.

Which sends me straight to Paul as so many things do — Now we see things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely. And there’s something for me about hearing and reading this in the KJV, as well — For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.

How rich the Word of God, and what a blessing the things in life that point us there.


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just a lie you have to rise above

31Oct08

I have been so busy teaching and crashing and teaching and then crashing again, I haven’t written in a while.

Still tackling new things every time I turn around.  Today was no exception.  Today actually had some really terrible moments, and I’m not comfortable saying any more than that so publicly.  Suffice it to say I have officially been welcomed to the real world, and to paraphrase Billy Collins at the Rollins College ‘08 graduation, “The real world is nothing like college… it’s like high school.”  Amen, brother.

The county decided last week that they absolutely must take down all the carpet on my walls RIGHTNOW and put up drywall, because otherwise, it would burst into flames and we would all die.  Newsflash:  it was flammable 15 years ago, and we’re all okay.  I’m sure we would all be okay for another few weeks until one of our holiday breaks, but no, I’m displaced for the next few days.  Furthermore, I understood that the construction was happening next Thursday after school.  Imagine my surprise when the construction began yesterday after school…  I frantically pushed things into the middle of the room, piled things in the closet, and Lord help me on Monday when I try to actually figure out what I need (I was already planning to be out of my room today for classes).  Monday’s lessons I’m going to pull something out to do, but then Tuesday I want to do my real lessons.  Supposedly they’ll be done by Wednesday, but I’m not holding my breath.   I also have my first official observation/evaluation on Tuesday, which I’m not rescheduling, sort of out of spite (against whom, I don’t know) because I just want to get it done and let the kids do what they need to do.  I don’t want to watch movies all week.

My chorus had their first performance today — an in school pep rally sort of thing.  Did that ever snowball… but they did well, and it was good that so soon before our first official performance we had a chance to put things on legs and start talking about how to perform.  I sometimes forget they’re only 9 and 10, and that I am their first introduction to this sort of thing.  It takes so much patience, and so much humility.  I get into this thing in my head where I go “I’ve told you this already!  Why should I have to tell you again?!”  When, in reality, I know of all the things in my life as a student and a learner and beyond that I’ve had to hear the same thing multiple times before it started to click.  I mean, think of all the things Jesus teaches me OVER and OVER and OVER… So, yeah, we need to stand still and keep our hands to our sides and stand up straight.  It was a challenge this year, too, because it took so much time getting things rolling at the start of the year, that we ended up with not that many rehearsals, so I’m sacrificing quality in some areas I wish I wasn’t, because when everything is said and done, We need to know songs right now more than we need to know significant vocal technique, and even as I’m writing that I feel so ahhhggg about it, because I probably shouldn’t be operating that way with them.

There really is something so different about being out of school — as a student, I mean.  It’s not that there isn’t stress and that there aren’t pressures on you, or that “school” is easy… it’s just different.  Like, I used to want to crawl in a hole all the time when I was stressed, and I think that’s because — even if I didn’t really believe it — there was a level that I could.  I could just blow off classes and crawl in my hole of a dorm room until I felt better, and it wouldn’t matter that much..  And now, I’m stressed and exhausted pretty much all the time, but I can’t even imagine crawling in a hole because that’s not an option.  Maybe part of it is being married, too, because on a level that wasn’t there even during engagement, my decisions don’t just affect me.  Even if I crawl in my hole of an apartment, it’s my apartment and there are things to be done, always, a home to be kept up — and it’s a wonderful blessing, I’m not complaining at all — it’s just a different train on a different track.

Ending Side Note:  Thanksgiving Break is in 20 days, 21 hours, 25 minutes, and 30 some seconds.  Yeah, I have a ticker counting it down.


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and when i’m weary and overwrought…

08Oct08

…with so many battles left unfought,/I think of Paul and Silas in the prison yard,/I hear their song of freedom rising to the stars/and when the Saints go marching in I want to be one of them…/Their courage compels me.

I had my first parent teacher conference this morning.  It was a difficult situation, and I praise God that He gave me the words to speak cleary and concisely, to say what I needed to say, and to shut up when I needed to shut up.  I also praise Him that I was able to look like a professional, and decidedly not an idiot in front of my principal.

The first year is just plain hard.

Yesterday was a hard day.  I think it was colored by my fear of the conference scheduled ahead of me.  I had my after-school chorus and I just felt like things totally flopped.  We don’t have that many rehearsals, and I’ve scheduled us only once a week… and so I feel like we don’t have any breathing room because it’s just GO GO GO every rehearsal, so we’re not getting to build the relationships and I feel rushed.  But I don’t want to go to 2 days a week.  I’m exhausted all the time as it is, and that would mean that most weeks I would teach 8 classes on those days I have chorus.  8 classes is a lot for one day.  7 is a lot for one day, but I do that just about every day, anyway.  So, I had bad feelings about rehearsal, and then today one of my fourth grade girls comes in for class and tells me, “Chorus was fun yesterday!”  What a little gift from God.  I pray they can continue to be fun in spite of my feelings about it, and that God will change my stress to a productive level of stress.

I am missing some of the relational element to teaching.  I interned in a middle school where we saw the kids every day.  When you see them every day, you really get to know them, to build that relationship with them, to have a sense of their character their patterns.  I’m missing that in elementary school when I see each class every 7 school days.  I hate that I don’t know every student’s name.  I hate that occasionally a class will walk in, and I swear I’ve never seen a certain student before, that they are in essence a “forgotten” student to me.  I didn’t anticipate feeling this way.  I’m not an extroverted person, I’ve never had lots and lots of friends at once, even as a child.  I’ve always been content to have a few really good friends, so I wouldn’t think that I would miss that relationship building as much as I do in my teaching this year.  I think that might be why I’m enjoying the younger kids more than I expected, because they are so willing to know and love you right away.  They don’t need weeks and weeks to decide they want to say hi to you in the hall or tell you about their new puppy.  They want that relationship right away, and even though they are an enigma to me sometimes in terms of classroom management, I’m happy to hear about their loose teeth and give a hug goodbye.

Can’t wait for that third year…. supposedly that’s the magic number.  ;-)


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last week

05Oct08

Quite a week.

Short version –

Monday: Don’t remember.

Tuesday: Car got broken into at my apartment complex… took nothing, just shattered the driver’s side window.  Police fingerprint dusted my Nichole Nordeman CD.  No joke.  They didn’t find anything.

It was definitely a hassle, but God was moving in the details and we were able to get everything fixed and taken care of for less money than we would have assumed.  And we were able to have two cars again by Tuesday night, which was nearly a necessity.

Wednesday:  Short day and a new round of lesson plans, which is just starting to feel less scary.  Totally lost my kindergarteners, but I start the new round on a day with the kindergarten class that is easiest to try new things with, so, thank goodness, it wasn’t a disaster.  Did some major editing.

Thursday:  My first class of the day, 5th graders, were having a “silent day” as so called by their teacher.  It was kinda hilarious.  They weren’t supposed to talk at all unless they were spoken to or called on, or the activity required it.

Got an email about my first parent teacher conference.  Supposed to be this week.  Pray for me.  It’s kind of a ridiculous but tricky situation.

Had a first grader totally go off the deep end in my class as far as behavior.  This was the first time I had ever experienced anything like that with that student.  Come to find the student is on a special behavior plan working with our specialists and dean.  Thanks for telling me ahead of time…  I should have called in an administrator, but I was so shocked, and the student was not being harmful to anyone, just extremely defiant.  Live and learn.  Reminder that I was not laying all of my lessons and class periods at the feet of God, but trying to hold them all on my own.  Sometimes I know when I’m doing it.  Other times I don’t.

Had an awkward student conversation about chorus.  Will leave it at that.

Friday:  Slowest day ever.  But a good one. Stayed up way too late.  Husband’s birthday.  He went to a White Sox game.

Saturday:  Fastest day ever.  Where did it go?  Felt stressed about the week ahead.  Feeling better now.

Today:  Sang at church, saw one of my students there.  Service was powerful.  Sang two of my very favorite songs ever — “How Deep the Father’s Love for Us” and “It is Well with My Soul.”  Did this thing called “cardboard testimonies.”  This clip isn’t from our church, but we used the same song.  It’s so amazing to see your friends and church family so honestly sharing and the impact of truth and Truth is so powerful.  Cancer, torn apart families and marriages, abortions, drugs, hate crimes, prison, infertility, sickness, unforgiveness… God covers it all.  He bears it all.  He washes it all away.  What amazing, amazing Grace that brings all things together to work for good and for His glory.

In Bible study the other day we talked about how sometimes the Lord may bring through trials because He knows someone else is watching you… and there is something in you, in our nature, that just wants to rebel at that thought — I had to go through that just so someone else could watch it?!? But yes!  His ways are not our ways, and His thoughts are not our thoughts.  And to see this today illustrated in such away… praise the Lord, praise the Lord, oh my soul.

So… I was thinking about what mine would be…

Overwhelming desire to be perfect. Can’t let go.

——

Freedom in the One who is carrying me on to completion. Daily laying it at the throne.

My sin — oh the bliss of this glorious thought! — my sin, not in part, but the whole is nailed to the cross and I bear it no more!  Praise the Lord!  Praise the Lord, oh my soul!

For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.


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it goes on and on and on and on and on…

28Sep08

If you know Jack Johnson, you can put a nice melody to that title.  :-)

Eventful past week, I suppose –

Found out about a music department field trip that was scheduled without me and had to run around figuring that out.  Luckily, not as big of a deal as it felt like at first.  I suppose a lot of things turn out that way in life.

On Wednesday morning a kid threw up in my classroom, which I suppose is like a rite of passage or something for a teacher.

Got my lesson plans back from my principal, all required categories marked off as “effective” which is great and a huge relief for next time.

Had my first really horrible no good very bad class on Friday afternoon.  They were holy terrors.  We have a system in place for that, but these kids didn’t seem very motivated by the system’s consequences, so… enter that struggle.  What do you do when they aren’t motivated by what is “supposed to be” motivating?

And found out that the kid in one of my kindergarten classes that has the same last name as me is actually distantly related.  He even sometimes calls me “Mrs. Same-last-name-as-me.”  I have a common Hispanic last name through marriage, and it turns out he’s my husband’s father’s cousin’s son.  Think about it, think about it… yup, now you got it.  I married into a large Hispanic family.  I know relatives in my husband’s family that I can’t even name the parallel to in my family.  Like my father’s cousin’s son.  Or even my father’s cousin, for that matter.

Stumbled across a devotionals book for teachers in my classroom recently.  Side note –  I constantly stumble across things in my classroom, like roll books from 1992, or teacher contact lists from 1999, textbooks as old as my parents, written work from October 2000… the oldest thing I found was lesson plan notes from 1978.  That’s what happens when you have a lot of turn-over in recent history… nobody throws anything away.  But anyway, the devotional book has actually been pretty nice.  I read a little out of it almost everyday… it helps me focus on things to pray about for myself and for my students.  It has been a nice little blessing.

Maybe I should go read it now.  I feel completely un-ready to start the week, besides the fact that if I literally did nothing else the rest of the day, I’d be set to go for tomorrow… but I don’t feel ready.  Not mentally, emotionally, or even logistically… even though I know that’s not true…  New rotation of plans to start Wednesday, so I really do need to work on those details, but I wish I could just kind of snap out of this mood.


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hair regression.

17Sep08

I sometimes wonder at what point of the teaching day it is that my clothes begin to rumple up and my mascara smudges around my eyes, and if that is before or after the mystery activity in which my hair knots up like a five-year-old girl’s.  Because, seriously, it’s like I weather a mild natural disaster by the end of each day.

:::shrugs:::


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the lesson plans monster.

16Sep08

There’s a sense of doom for me everytime I sit down to begin a new rotation of lesson plans.  You know, like, “What the hell am I doing?” or “Somebody please tell me what a bordun is and why my resources keep referring to it” or “But I don’t know these songs” or “Why can’t they just be a choir of 12 year olds?” or “Whose bright idea was it to tell the 3rd graders that next time we could play Orff instruments?” or “But what if they know this already?”

Any bravery I had in un-concrete brainstorming time is out the window when I actually sit down pen to page… or fingers to qwerty keyboard… you know, whatever.

So… here we go again.


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still stuffy.

16Sep08

The sub yesterday seems to have been great.  Everything was wonderfully in order, papers were where they were supposed to be, and she was resourceful when I was wrong about having left a certain worksheet.  My bad.  I would definitely ask for her again.

Had my first chorus rehearsal today.  Did a lot of housekeeping sort of stuff that needed to be done, so we didn’t do much singing.  I’m afraid the kids are gonna go home and say “we didn’t do anything today in chorus.”  Oh well.  I did what I needed to do.  I had one parent that was 20 minutes late because she told her child to call when we were done…. ummm…. how about let’s not do that next time.

Throat is definitely sore.  In a perfect world I wouldn’t have had to talk or sing much today, but I’m a music teacher, so…

I lost the attention of the kindergarteners today.  That’s baaaaadddd news.  Pulled something out for good measure for tomorrow, although it’s Wednesday which means short day, so probably won’t need it.  One of the girls today was so cute — I sneezed pretty bad during their class and had to go blow my nose, so I said, “Excuse me, I’m getting over a cold,” and the little girl, wide-eyed, says, “Oh no… I had a cold last time I came.  I’m sorry I gave you my cold!”  How precious.

New lesson plan rotations start on Friday.  I hate when new lessons start on Friday.  It’s such a rotten day to start something new!


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